Breaking the Habit
by tWoW
Summary: Songfic on LP's Breaking the Habit. Sirius and Remus bring a depressed friend from school to live with them, she is in love with one, but her heart is filled with contempt.
1. Contempt

Lydia sat there, watching the rain pour down the glass, blurring her view of the outside. But it was okay. She was sick of seeing anything at all, cooped up in this house. This was supposed to be good for her, but she found herself wanting to lash out at those who she loved, and those who loved her. She felt like her spirit was weakening, and she was running out of time.  
Her best friends, Remus and Sirius, moved her into their large house to make her recuperate from a ten-year depression. However, she began to notice that Sirius' voice would grate on her nerves, that she no longer relished the touch of Remus' hand on her shoulder. She knew she was being ungrateful, but something inside her was itching to scream. She was buried beneath a mountain of painful memories...  
  
iMemories consume  
  
Like opening the wound  
  
I'm picking me apart again  
  
You all assume  
  
I'm safer in my room  
  
Unless I try to start again.../i  
  
Her fists clenched as she once again heard soft footsteps outside the front door, heard Sirius' key slide into the keyhole, thinking no one was home. Lydia did not bother to let him in, though she could see by his blurry outline that he was soaking wet and had no umbrella. She dropped her face into her hands, and he opened the door, shaking off much like a wet dog and spraying her with water.  
"Ly! Why the long face?" He asked in a half-jovial way.  
"Doesn't matter," she answered briefly, and went on into her automatic response. "How was your day?"  
"Ah, it was okay," he answered, hanging up his cloak and mistaking her tones for sincerity, as he did every day. "Rather dull. Gloomy. Know what I mean?"  
"Of course."  
A pause, in which Sirius stared at her, then--  
"Did you do it again?"  
"Do what again?"  
"Cut yourself."  
"No."  
"Let me see."  
He walked up to her and took her hands in his, pushed up her sleeves, revealing old scars on her wrists, and some scabs, but he knew those were from last week. He pushed her slleves up further-- there they were. Fresh scabs.  
"Ly," he sighed, pulling her to her feet, "why've you got t do this? It breaks my heart."  
"No it doesn't," Lydia sneered, looking at him through dark lashes. "You pretend it does. Don't touch me." She yanked her arms away from him and turned to walk away, but he secured her in a bear hug from behind, wrapping his strong arms around her and keeping her there, though she tried to get away.  
  
iI don't want to be the one  
  
Who battles always choose  
  
Cos inside I realize  
  
That I'm the one confused.../i  
  
"I'm serious," he said softly in her ear, brushing aside her long, straight black hair. "You need to stop this."  
"Make me."  
She wrenched herself from his grasp and dashed up the stairs and flung the curtains closed on her door frame. They had taken her door because she liked to slam it well and often.  
  
Lydia sat there at the foot of her bed, face in her hands, salty tears running down her slleves and over her scabs. She could not stop the strange feeling of contempt inside her. She loved them both, Remus and Sirius, one as a brother, the other as something more, but she didn't want to stick around to see what happened next. The days of him whispering sweet- nothings in her hear and holding her tight were gone, replaced by cold days of sadness and bad news. Why couldn't she escape?  
  
iI don't know what's worth fighting for  
  
Or why I have to scream  
  
I don't know why I instigate  
  
And say what I don't mean  
  
I don't know how I got this way  
  
I know it's not alright  
  
So I'm breaking the habit  
  
I'm breaking the habit tonight.../i 


	2. Confusion

Having fallen asleep in her room, Lydia was dreaming the dream again. She was at Hogwarts, at their seventh-year graduation ball, dancing with him. She was happy at the time, as they swayed in time to the slow tune, and listened as he promised her that no matter how far apart they were, he would always be there for her, smiled as he slid the chain around her neck, fastened it there, and admired how the delicate pendant glimmered against her coppery-tan skin. Not knowing whether the it was the dream or reality, she felt lips brush her cheek, and she awoke, opening grey-green eyes.  
It was beginning to get dark outside, and Remus was sitting on the bed next to her, his hand on her arm, smiling sadly down at her.  
"Did you just now get home from work?" she asked him, frowning slightly.  
"Yes, but don't make that face. You know I like your smile better," he answered, pushing her bangs out of her face as they fell into her eyes. "Listen, I talked to Sirius. He told me what happened this afternoon. And I think we should talk."  
He turned so his back was resting against the headboard of her bed, and she put her pillow on his lap, then rested her head there. He smoothed her silky black hair and started talking.  
"I don't know what's wrong anymore, but I would, if you talked to me. I understand that you don't like people trying to change you-- you've always been that way-- but we're not trying to change you. We're trying to save you from yourself, and we can't do that if you don't help. We're not getting anywhere lately, seeing as Sirius and I are always at work. I've just taken off two weeks from work." He looked down at her to see her expression, but she was masking it with a stoic face. Of course. "I want to spend those two weeks with you... so I can show you why it's better for you to live."  
She nodded, remaining silent. Lydia didn't want to talk, revealing the tears that were building in her throat.  
"I have a question."  
"Hm?"  
"...Never mind, I... forgot what I was going to say. Anyways... dinner should be ready soon, are you coming down?"  
"I su--" she stopped, cleared her throat, then went on. "I suppose. Tell Sirius I'll be down in a minute, please." She sat up, rubbing her eyes on the pretense of sleepiness. Remus slid her pillow aside, gave her a brief but comforting hug, and exited the room.  
  
Cultured my cure  
  
I tightly lock the door  
  
I try to catch my breath again  
  
I hurt much more  
  
Than anytime before  
  
I have no options left again...  
  
Lydia took the stairs two at a time and almost appeared in the living room in the middle of a seemingly serious conversation. She tried to listen, but all she heard was muffled mumbles. She picked up one of her cat's toys off of the floor and flicked it at the archway at the end of the stairs, and it bounced back at her. Ah, they had charmed it! She walked full-on into the charm, but she stopped and jumped back before she could walk all the way through, because it stung badly. Frowning, she listened as they fell silent, and Sirius performed the counter-charm.  
"Sorry," he said, and provided no explanation. "We're having tortilla soup for supper. Joining us?"  
Feeling almost unwelcome now, and weak as she felt the stinging of tears in her throat, she debated with herself. She didn't want to be rude, but suddenly the contempt and animosity was running through her again as he snaked an arm around her waist, took her hand in his and kissed every finger.  
"You okay?"  
Lydia snapped out of it and, for once, gently slid herself out of his touch. She nodded.  
"Yeah, I'm... I'm okay. Sure, I'll join you."  
  
I dont want to be the one  
  
Who battles always choose  
  
Cos inside I realize  
  
That I'm the one confused... 


	3. Relief

"I have a headache. I'm off to bed."  
Lydia's tones were short and weary as she got to her feet from the dinner table, pushing in her chair and taking her dish to the kitchen.  
"Want me to make you a potion?" she heard Remus call from the dining room. She shivered as a cold sliver of anger rushed through her. Why, she still didn't know. Why couldn't she be left alone??  
"That's alright," she returned, and as she was walking past them to the stairs, she took note of the sad look on Sirius' face. Why did he act like they were still an item? He was the one who broke up with her, not the other way around, there was no need for him to act like he was at her mercy, so to speak. She voiced this on accident.  
"Y'know Sirius, we're not together anymore, so please quit acting like it. Goodnight."  
She climbed the stairs quickly, taking them three at a time now, and she collapsed on her bed, burying her eyes in the thick grey fur of her cat.  
::Mrow.::  
Her cat started at this sudden act of affection, and Bastet got to her feet, stretched, yawned, then resettled herself against Lydia's side. Hearing footsteps on the stairs, Lydia closed her eyes and feigned sleep, but her mind was racing.  
Why did I say that? Why?? I didn't mean that... I know I didn't... there is something severely wrong with me!  
"Ly, quit faking."  
Lydia opened her eyes to see Sirius standing in the doorway, arms folded across his chest and looking at her as though he were very angry. How dare he! was Lydia's first thought, but then all the anger bottled up inside came rushing out as she stood up and spoke.  
"What is it, Sirius? Mad because I burst your bubble?? Well it's true! It was your choice to break up, not mine. I never would have left you, but you initiated it, and I had to go along. What is it you want? Not happy with your decision? Well, neither am I. I never was, never will be, but I don't see how you could have said all those things to me and kept the ability to change your mind."  
"Don't do this, Lydia," he said through gritted teeth. Lydia couldn't see his face very well in the dark, but she knew immediately that he was infuriated with her. "You enjoy arguing with me, I think, otherwise if you were really unhappy with my decision you'd be crying all over me."  
"That's what you want me to do, not what I would really do! You know me. I don't cry for nothing. Now if you just came up here to revel in the fact that you're a content person and I'm not, haha, then I want you to leave, because I fully intended to go to sleep."  
"I never said I wanted to have you crying all over me," he gushed. "I hate it when you cry. You know that."  
"Well, I wouldn't cry if you would stop doing this to me!"  
"Doing what?"  
"...This. Telling me that I'm too hateful a person for you and then teasing me!"  
"Teasing you? How do I do that?"  
"Oh, I don't know, just all the times you hug me, touch me, kiss me, all of that. I wouldn't cry if I knew whether or not you wanted to be with me or if you just liked paying attention to me, or what!" Tears were streaming down her cheeks, masked by darkness, but they were evident in her voice.  
She heard him sigh quietly, then bit her lip briefly as he sidled closer, and closed her eyes as his hands found hers. He pulled her close, then let her hands drop and wrapped his arms around her. She leaned her cheek against his chest, and he squeezed her affectionately to try and still her shuddering sobs. He kissed her cheek and spoke in her ear, quietly, like he used to...  
"Don't cry anymore, Ly," he murmured. "Consider anything I said then to be a fake dream. Things are different now..."  
_______________________________________________________________________ 


End file.
